a dose of “drama”

[hyuri]

kinda dizzy, kinda tired, apparently a bit more of both than I think because I'm making all kinds of typos, and I have some suspicions about the condition of that mayonnaise. and why hasn't Squeenix billed me like they've been telling me they will (on 07/07/2004) for the past couple of weeks?

I should sleep, I really should. but I'm having a lot of trouble convincing myself to do things that I should. I should go to bed. I should do laundry. I should stop cutting myself. I should go apply for jobs at more places. I should stop subsisting on a diet of mostly soda. I should start taking care of my body.

should should should. and I never do. I know what I need to do, I even know how to do it. I am such a fucking waste of skin.

and don't you dare tell me I'm not a waste. I may be such a great person, or able to do certain things, but I don't do anything. that's what makes me a waste, and I will be until and unless I finally start doing something.

yeah. I'll feel better tomorrow.

I think I'd be a lot more likely to go cruising around at night if I had a car with a CD player. it's probably better that I don't, actually.

Comments

[rizen.livejournal.com]

You seem to be operating under some delusion here. Man is an end in himself, with his own happiness as his only goal. Exactly what is it that you should be doing to not be a waste?

[hyuri.livejournal.com]

How about making myself happy? Working towards getting out of this environment and into one where I feel free to be happy? Caring about personal hygiene beyond “Do I smell? No? I'm good.” again?

[rizen.livejournal.com]

So do it. But don't talk about being a waste. That supposes that your prime duty is to be of use to others. Be of use to yourself, first and foremost. If you need to get out of your environment, then work towards it. If you truly feel that this is something you need, just do it.

On another note, why should you not feel free to be happy? Sure, you probably have to deal with a lot of drama, but being happy means a lot more in those situations. Find yourself enjoying a subtle breeze, or the flavor of your ice cream. You don't need an excuse to be happy. Capture a moment, and exist inside it for a while.

[hyuri.livejournal.com]

You're missing something here. If my prime duty is to be of use to myself, then I'm still a waste, because I'm not fulfilling that duty. I'm not healthy, I'm not happy, I'm always tense; I'm constantly hurting and sabotaging myself because I don't really feel that I deserve better. I “know,” some of the time, that I do, but I don't feel that way.

[rizen.livejournal.com]

Why don't you feel that you deserve better?

[hyuri.livejournal.com]

Because according to my own morals—which are, admittedly, quite different from “the norm”—I'm not a very good person. I won't go into specifics, but there's something very wrong when you've developed and chosen your own personal moral code, and you find yourself in constant violation of it.

I also have prety low self-esteem, which is why I react with skepticism and even alarm when complimented. It's very hard to feel good about yourself when you have vivid memories of (unintentionally) slamming someone who isn't in the best emotional state. Especially when you've done it to several people. I hurt people I care about all the time, either passively, by not saying anything when I should, or actively, by opening my mouth and letting the stupid out.

Apparently I cover it fairly well, but I'm not a very stable—or even solid—personality. I've lost count of the number of times I've broken down. But always out of sight, behind the proverbial closed doors. Cultivating a “strange” and introverted personality makes doing so much easier, because nobody sees enough to know that something's very, very wrong.

[rizen.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it's not really your moral code then.

Why should you feel bad about something you did unintentionally? I have memories of things I did intentionally, that I do feel shame about. But that's not me anymore. Learn from your mistakes, and leave them in the past where they should be.

But, yeah, I've been there. I can't say what'll lead you out, because I'm still not entirely sure of what lead me out. That is, if I *am* out. I like to think I at least have my body out, even if my foot is still in the door. I still have my bouts of depression, I still wrestle with self-esteem issues on occasion. I doubt myself. I don't have as much confidence as I should. Everyone tells me that I'm intelligent. If I'm so damned intelligent, what am I doing working a shit job for 8.15/hr?

The only light in my path, and I think the only thing that keeps me from spiraling out of control, is a lesson taught to me, indirectly, by a girl I used to know, and reinforced by a few friends along the way:

However strange I am, however alone I may feel, there are others out there. Others who feel like me, and think like me, and who are able to love me, for me. Sure, they're not in abundance. But the mere knowledge that they exist, that all this work is not for nothing, keeps me from diving again. Some day, I will find another. Until then, I have patience. "Solitary, but not alone."

Okay, I think I've rambled enough. More than I intended to, anyway. Sorry. =P

[drgnmstralex.livejournal.com]

Grar. You're NOT a waste in ANY respect, regardless of whether you or anyone else says otherwise.
I need to hurry up and kidnap you soon so I can reprimand you for such behavior and retrain you thru a series of sharp blows to the head. >.

[jess0matickilla.livejournal.com]

Heeey, heyyy... if you hit her, I'll be morally obligated to dispose of your lanky southern ass. <_< lol But what you said otherwise was true. XD