(no subject)
Jun. 23rd, 2004 04:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hyuriI’m a very private person. Now, this may sound strange when you look at what I post about and the fact that I post it publicly, but that's because my brain works this way.
When I make an entry to my journal, there’s a feeling of detachment from my “audience,” even when I get comments and when I respond to them. It’s like pinning notes to a message board, or exchanging letters: there’s a degree of separation that doesn’'t exist in a chat or IM. I’m aware that this is all in my head, that there really isn’t much difference beyond a few minutes response time, but that’s how I feel. It’s a loophole in my mental makeup without which this journal would be impossible.
I’m not by nature particularly confrontational. It was demonstrated to me early on that confrontations resulted in fairly significant levels of pain. This is a teaching method that sticks, for some reason. So I present a blank face, give short, inoffensive answers, and hope it stops so I can go and lick my wounds.
People who make me uncomfortable have proven time and again that they are threats to me. These include siblings, cousins, “friends,” uncles and their wives, acquaintainces, and even my parents. People to whom I have literally entrusted my life. This is also where my problems trusting spring from. I trust Charles probably more than any other human being, even than I trust myself, but I still don’t trust him completely. I’m not sure I can.
I’ve run into too many people who seem like “nice people” who pegged my creep-o-meter, but I ignored it and then discovered it was right.
If I start ignoring you (in chat/IMs), think back and see if I’ve said anything about you annoying me, or making me uncomfortable, or telling you to back off, or anything like that. If I did, and I’m ignoring you? Go away. You’re bugging the shit out of me, but I’m too afraid to tell you that.
When I make an entry to my journal, there’s a feeling of detachment from my “audience,” even when I get comments and when I respond to them. It’s like pinning notes to a message board, or exchanging letters: there’s a degree of separation that doesn’'t exist in a chat or IM. I’m aware that this is all in my head, that there really isn’t much difference beyond a few minutes response time, but that’s how I feel. It’s a loophole in my mental makeup without which this journal would be impossible.
I’m not by nature particularly confrontational. It was demonstrated to me early on that confrontations resulted in fairly significant levels of pain. This is a teaching method that sticks, for some reason. So I present a blank face, give short, inoffensive answers, and hope it stops so I can go and lick my wounds.
People who make me uncomfortable have proven time and again that they are threats to me. These include siblings, cousins, “friends,” uncles and their wives, acquaintainces, and even my parents. People to whom I have literally entrusted my life. This is also where my problems trusting spring from. I trust Charles probably more than any other human being, even than I trust myself, but I still don’t trust him completely. I’m not sure I can.
I’ve run into too many people who seem like “nice people” who pegged my creep-o-meter, but I ignored it and then discovered it was right.
If I start ignoring you (in chat/IMs), think back and see if I’ve said anything about you annoying me, or making me uncomfortable, or telling you to back off, or anything like that. If I did, and I’m ignoring you? Go away. You’re bugging the shit out of me, but I’m too afraid to tell you that.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-23 06:58 pm (UTC)........
I'm not sure what I've ever done to earn that, but it means more than you may know to know that. *meek smile*
"...but I still don't trust him completely. I'm not sure I can"
Odd as it may sound, that's okay. It's probably better off that way. If I do something to fuck up, there's less damage, I suppose. ^^;;
Seriously, I don't know what to say... I'm really happy you feel that way. Again, not sure why you do, but... it feels good. ^_^
Also, for what it's worth, know that I feel the same way about you. I let a lot of ppl in, but there's not many that I actually trust. Most eventually realize it, and I wind up with an 'aquaintance' that I don't hear from much anymore. ^^;;;; Yet, with you, there was an immediate click, despite my initial hesitance to IM you out of the blue. I figured you'd think I was an annoying nut. XD
I'm sure I'm flowing well beyond the scope and intention of your entry, but... I guess I just wanted to say that I'm glad you trust me as you do, and be assured that you receive the same, if not more, trust that you've given. Guess I'm just not good at saying so. ^^;;
no subject
Date: 2004-06-23 07:43 pm (UTC)There was more to this, but it was getting kind of mushy and I'm not really in a mushy mood. Except my brain; that's kinda mushy right now. *squishsquish* I can only blame over-thinking for this replacement.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-23 08:09 pm (UTC)To be honest, I don't think that's weird at all, I think a lot of very active bloggers are really private in real life. I know I am.
so I present a blank face
Been there, done that...
As some advice from me, learn to be more open with your feelings. Even though being the social chameleon may keep you out of trouble, it will also set you apart, in that people are never sure what to think of you. It took me a long time to learn this, it takes even longer to learn to display your emotions appropriately if you have an ingrained habit of disguising them.
On a slightly other note:
Twarres - Wêr Bisto
I'm glad you like it :)
*waves hello*
Date: 2005-01-13 12:47 pm (UTC)Ohayo gozaimasu!
Date: 2005-01-13 04:01 pm (UTC)Re: Ohayo gozaimasu!