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Jun. 23rd, 2004 04:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hyuriI’m a very private person. Now, this may sound strange when you look at what I post about and the fact that I post it publicly, but that's because my brain works this way.
When I make an entry to my journal, there’s a feeling of detachment from my “audience,” even when I get comments and when I respond to them. It’s like pinning notes to a message board, or exchanging letters: there’s a degree of separation that doesn’'t exist in a chat or IM. I’m aware that this is all in my head, that there really isn’t much difference beyond a few minutes response time, but that’s how I feel. It’s a loophole in my mental makeup without which this journal would be impossible.
I’m not by nature particularly confrontational. It was demonstrated to me early on that confrontations resulted in fairly significant levels of pain. This is a teaching method that sticks, for some reason. So I present a blank face, give short, inoffensive answers, and hope it stops so I can go and lick my wounds.
People who make me uncomfortable have proven time and again that they are threats to me. These include siblings, cousins, “friends,” uncles and their wives, acquaintainces, and even my parents. People to whom I have literally entrusted my life. This is also where my problems trusting spring from. I trust Charles probably more than any other human being, even than I trust myself, but I still don’t trust him completely. I’m not sure I can.
I’ve run into too many people who seem like “nice people” who pegged my creep-o-meter, but I ignored it and then discovered it was right.
If I start ignoring you (in chat/IMs), think back and see if I’ve said anything about you annoying me, or making me uncomfortable, or telling you to back off, or anything like that. If I did, and I’m ignoring you? Go away. You’re bugging the shit out of me, but I’m too afraid to tell you that.
When I make an entry to my journal, there’s a feeling of detachment from my “audience,” even when I get comments and when I respond to them. It’s like pinning notes to a message board, or exchanging letters: there’s a degree of separation that doesn’'t exist in a chat or IM. I’m aware that this is all in my head, that there really isn’t much difference beyond a few minutes response time, but that’s how I feel. It’s a loophole in my mental makeup without which this journal would be impossible.
I’m not by nature particularly confrontational. It was demonstrated to me early on that confrontations resulted in fairly significant levels of pain. This is a teaching method that sticks, for some reason. So I present a blank face, give short, inoffensive answers, and hope it stops so I can go and lick my wounds.
People who make me uncomfortable have proven time and again that they are threats to me. These include siblings, cousins, “friends,” uncles and their wives, acquaintainces, and even my parents. People to whom I have literally entrusted my life. This is also where my problems trusting spring from. I trust Charles probably more than any other human being, even than I trust myself, but I still don’t trust him completely. I’m not sure I can.
I’ve run into too many people who seem like “nice people” who pegged my creep-o-meter, but I ignored it and then discovered it was right.
If I start ignoring you (in chat/IMs), think back and see if I’ve said anything about you annoying me, or making me uncomfortable, or telling you to back off, or anything like that. If I did, and I’m ignoring you? Go away. You’re bugging the shit out of me, but I’m too afraid to tell you that.
