Hun... do you need someone to talk to? Or someone to just listen? I can call you if you like, we have a long distance plan so the cost isn't an issue..
Probably. The only way I can get any of this out is by making it as impersonal a communication as possible. It's a lot easier to fool myself into thinking there isn't a person on the other side, listening, when I communicate this way (LJ posts and comments). Self‑deception is an abolute necessity to my life. There’s a great deal of shame asociated with that.
I can’t cry; I can’t scream myself hoarse; there’s nothing I can destroy. This, in a sense, is my way of crying. You know how people release strong emotions with tears? Mine just happen to run down my arm instead of my face.
Sorry. Anything longer than a few words is probably going to come out kinda disjointed for a while. All these posts are, I suppose, an appeal for help. But not from anyone who reads them. Not very sensible, but there you go.
There’s shame from something I perceive as a deception of others, even though intellectually I know that I’m making no attempts to deceive; I simply don’t broadcast the pertinent facts. You have no idea how I want to say yes, but I don’t think I’m in a place where I can actually get any help that way. I can’t open up enough, neither for release nor reception.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2004-07-12 01:43 pm (UTC)I can call you if you like, we have a long distance plan so the cost isn't an issue..
no subject
Date: 2004-07-13 04:40 am (UTC)I can’t cry; I can’t scream myself hoarse; there’s nothing I can destroy. This, in a sense, is my way of crying. You know how people release strong emotions with tears? Mine just happen to run down my arm instead of my face.
Sorry. Anything longer than a few words is probably going to come out kinda disjointed for a while. All these posts are, I suppose, an appeal for help. But not from anyone who reads them. Not very sensible, but there you go.
There’s shame from something I perceive as a deception of others, even though intellectually I know that I’m making no attempts to deceive; I simply don’t broadcast the pertinent facts. You have no idea how I want to say yes, but I don’t think I’m in a place where I can actually get any help that way. I can’t open up enough, neither for release nor reception.