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Feb. 12th, 2003 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hyuriI'm beginning to feel almost certain, but I still can't be entriely sure that my feelings of dysphoria aren't from simply bottling my feelings inside -- that I have a single (few) facet(s) of my personality that feels more comfortable in that image, and not expressing that part of myself has intensified the feelings.
on the other hand, that leaves certain other feelings unexplained: why do I feel out of place, lost and distressed, in certain strongly "male" situations, for example?
I'm certainly aware that a number of my problems stem from my habit of constantly and strongly -- nearly paralyzingly -- second-guessing myself. I avoid anything resembling a decision in fear that I will somehow fall short of my hopes, my dreams and beliefs about myself: I avoid them for fear of disappointing myself.
...
lotsa BGC music, some Alphaville, Dream (not the U.S. insta-pop group), Rob Stewart, Jimmy Eat World, and a burst of Classical Gas... fiction is my lifeline and music my anchor.
but I refuse to, and will continue to refuse to, consider suicide. my incessant drive to find out what's around the corner of tomorrow -- what new discovery, what invention, what work of art -- will not permit me to even allow that possibility. and no-one should have to outlive their child; I won't force my mother to live that horror if it is at all within my power.
I've been up for more than 24 hours for the fourth (fifth?) time in the last week; I detest having to deprive myself of sleep to think cleanly and detachedly -- not well, but cleanly. physical weariness matches my body and mind well enough that I can combine them and cancel them out, kinda, so I can step back and observe myself. also, I type better.
not quite so euphoric today, but I seem to be leveling off rather than falling.
on the other hand, that leaves certain other feelings unexplained: why do I feel out of place, lost and distressed, in certain strongly "male" situations, for example?
I'm certainly aware that a number of my problems stem from my habit of constantly and strongly -- nearly paralyzingly -- second-guessing myself. I avoid anything resembling a decision in fear that I will somehow fall short of my hopes, my dreams and beliefs about myself: I avoid them for fear of disappointing myself.
...
lotsa BGC music, some Alphaville, Dream (not the U.S. insta-pop group), Rob Stewart, Jimmy Eat World, and a burst of Classical Gas... fiction is my lifeline and music my anchor.
but I refuse to, and will continue to refuse to, consider suicide. my incessant drive to find out what's around the corner of tomorrow -- what new discovery, what invention, what work of art -- will not permit me to even allow that possibility. and no-one should have to outlive their child; I won't force my mother to live that horror if it is at all within my power.
I've been up for more than 24 hours for the fourth (fifth?) time in the last week; I detest having to deprive myself of sleep to think cleanly and detachedly -- not well, but cleanly. physical weariness matches my body and mind well enough that I can combine them and cancel them out, kinda, so I can step back and observe myself. also, I type better.
not quite so euphoric today, but I seem to be leveling off rather than falling.
